Nu är det sommar och jag sommarjobbar för fullt på samma ställe. Jag e redan led och jag bara önskar att jag inte behöver sommarjobba så mycket än vad som behövdes men problemet varför jag måste sommarjobba är pga min ADD och att ha ADD kan betyda både himmel och helvete för mig. I bland kan jag vara så koncentrerad att jag bli uppslukad av något i timmar vilket kanske e bra men å andra sidan tappar jag bort mina prioriteringar som skolan och jag blir beroende på något jag inte borde satsa för mycket pengar på onödiga saker. Det är därför pengarna rinner ut som vatten från mitt bankkonto hela tiden. Jag behöver en coach...jag behöver någon som kan vägleda mig tillbaka om jag går för långt oh tappar bort mig själv.
På tal om kärlek har jag varit nyfiken på hur folk beskriver hur kärlek egentligen känns som och hittade en massa intressanta kommentarer på reddit. Det fanns en som beskrev kärlek väldigt fint och vackert så här:
"The first time, it feels like a fulfillment. It's all those stories you've read, all the movies you've seen come to life, except now you know it from the inside out. The love itself is like the end goal, just knowing how it feels. It's a celebration. Everything is perfect, and nothing can go wrong.
The second time, it feels like an addiction. You know what you're going through and you're scared, but you remember with distinction the wonderful clear high points as well as the wretched comedown. You know you're falling into something that can destroy you, and maybe has, once before, but you can't help it. You want to feel that incalculable warmth again, the one that comes when you think of their face and let the sunlight flood up through you. You know you're probably killing yourself but you don't care, you don't: it's not worth being alive, if you're always going to be who you were without this.
Every time after that, it's a surrender. You know what you're going through and you're just a bit removed, enough to observe the undulations your emotions are going through but not enough, never far enough away not to feel it. You know how badly it can go and you're helpless to keep yourself back. You want to control the trajectory of this unbelievable dopamine rocket tearing through your insides but you can't seem to hold it down hard enough to keep the stupid words and idiot texts from ripping through your mouth and fingers. It blows you apart just as clean as it did that first time, but you know enough now to be terrified of where it'll land - and you can't help but follow that sugar-pink rocket tail with your eyes and hope that this time, please just this one time, it'll find its target and stick.
The last time is an erosion. It's looking at a face that used to light up your field of view like fireworks and only seeing embers. It's arguing over groceries and toilet paper and shared bank accounts, and every time you open your mouth you're sure that each word is chipping away at this enormous and beautiful thing that you're not sure you can even see the edges of anymore. It's holding their face in your heart and there's a warmth there, but nothing like the bonfires and wizardry and storytime perfection that happened the first time you saw them. But then they look to the side, from that Netflix show you've both been into. And their hand squeezes your knee just a little, and their smile is like old leather creaking and crinkling into a shape it's well-used to holding. They don't feel like fireworks anymore, no, not anymore - they feel like home. They belong in you, and you belong in them."
Förstås e det olika hur folk känner och jag har definitivt varit kär men jag tänker på personer som hade varit dumpade i ett förhållande förr. Det måste ju vara skrämmande vara kär igen :S och att veta hur skit det kan kännas om att vara dumpad igen med någon man delat sitt liv med D:
